Holy hell, the new F10 M5 is fast. It is fast enough that that is what I’m calling it from now on. No really. If you come up to me and say, “Hey, Robert, other than the M3, what BMW would you really like?”, my response is going to be “I’d like one of those Holy Hell the new F10 M5 is Fasts.” You don’t have to take my word for it (although you should), you just need to watch this video, and then click more to read about some of the amazing things that the Holy Hell the new F10 M5 is fast can do.
Look at you. You're fat and you know it.
Powered by BMW’s newest iteration of the twin turbo V8, the S63B44tu and matched up to a seven speed dual clutch gear box, the Holy Hell the new F10 M5 is fast* is cranking out five hundred and fifty horsepower and five hundred lb-ft of torque. It does near as makes no difference two hundred miles per hour, and crosses the quarter mile mark in about twelve seconds (which is pretty quick even these days) at a hundred and twenty two miles per hour. It can do a dead start 1000m sprint in 21.3 seconds, accelerating from zero to a hundred and fifty three miles per hour in that time frame. It will haul its ass around the Nurburgring Nordschlife in seven minutes and fifty five seconds, which for those taking notes is where a Caterham R500 and Ferrari F430 is sitting, and just a split hair off a 997 Carrera S. It is also faster than, well, a lot of cars that you would think would be faster. Honda NSX-R, for example. You want to know the most amazing fact? Of course you do. The Holy Hell the new F10 M5 is fast tips the scales at a portly 4,114 pounds. Two tons. The car is a big fat pig, but that pig can run.
Dump the girl, she's too fat.
Now let’s throw out some comparison data. The 2009 Lotus Exige S** weighs in at 2,030 pounds. That, in the world of cars that don’t require you to push off to turn on or unbolt the steering wheel to get in, is a skinny cheerleader. We are talking one of the really skinny uppity ones that everyone pretends to like even though you want to push them in front of a Holy Hell the new F10 M5 is fast that is running at full tilt. That featherweight Lotus is being pushed by a 257 horsepower supercharged four cylinder. It will run the quarter mile in a comparably snail paced thirteen seconds, moving at an unbearably slow 107 miles per hour. Sixty comes leisurely strolling by in 4.3 seconds, compared to the M5’s (for brevity’s sake, I’ll hold off for the rest of the article) 3.7. In other words, the M5 is faster despite weighing damn near as much as two of the street legal go kart Lotus. Here is the thing: The Exige, the crowned king of power to weight means everything, has one horsepower for every 7.89 pounds. The big fat pig of an M5 on the other hand requires each horsepower to only pull along 7.5 pounds. So not only do I get to laugh in the face of all the Exige owners with their “almost really good power to weight ratio”, I also get to laugh that the big pig of an M5 with heated seats and a nice radio and a steering position that doesn’t require race car driver physique is faster. To butcher a phrase from Enzo Ferrari, light weight is for people who can’t build engines.
Steve wrote earlier this week that our cars are getting heavier. I don’t disagree in the least. It is a truth that cars today weigh more than cars of the past. Even though smaller than some of the old land barges that reader Angel likes to drive, most of the cars today are heavier thanks to ever increasing safety requirements and the growing presence of sound deadening. However, unlike my featherweight co-writer, I say unto you this: who cares? I for one don’t. My realistic dream car, the E46 M3, is really about as light as I’d want to go, and it is no skinny kid at 3400 pounds. I like sports sedans and sport coupes that are a bit bigger. Instead of calling them fat, though, I say we use a different term: substantial. See, Steve is right when he says the problem is people equate light cars with cheap, because even though the aforementioned Lotus will set you back about eighty grand when brand new, it is going to feel cheap. That, good readers, is the key. Perception is everything, and if the car feels cheap, then it doesn’t matter how much it rocks socks in a track environment, it still feels cheap. My experience in this comes from owning one BMW, and three lightish Japanese cars. All three have felt cheap, and that’s the problem. When I drove over a single pebble in the Mazdaspeed3, it sounded like a hit a boulder. Look, I don’t think we should all drive beige luxobarge Lexuses that do everything in their power to remove you from the physical act of driving, but having some sound deadening isn’t a bad thing. Having enough so I can hear myself think is even better.
Pictured: two Bugatti Veyrons
The best part is, just because a car is heavy and has nice seats with ass coolers*** doesn’t mean it has to be slow. Don’t believe me and the M5 data isn’t enough? Fine. While I don’t feel it is the car for me, Nissan’s hyper performance GT-R comes stomping along at 3800 pounds. The new Boss 302 Mustang with its fiery pony eyes aimed at the M3 comes in at thirty six hundred, with its big brother GT500 at thirty nine. While the big Lamborghini Aventador manages to get under the thirty five hundred mark if just, Enzo’s 599 only comes in under 3700 pounds if you buy the steroid laced axe murdering race versions, the GTO or the 599XX. Even in its lightest form, the Bugatti Veyron still is around the two ton range. No one can say that any of those cars aren’t great performers.
Heavier, but not worse.
I will agree that one of the issues we see today is that cars are getting physically bigger. We can attribute it to many things: false feelings of safety, the thought that you need something the size of a bus to haul your single offspring, needing to prove something. But where I disagree with Steve is the feeling that cars need to be lighter. Steve will tell you that I tell him that aside from sinking his Taco in the mud (that sounds dirty on purpose) there is nothing is Tacoma can do that a full sized wagon couldn’t. Yet I will also say it isn’t a problem. In the end, this all goes back to the needs and wants. I don’t like SUVs – except for the X6M which is faster around the ‘Ring than an R34 GT-R, the Ford Raptor, or the V10 turbo diesel Touareg because I may need to tow a 747, or especially a Land Rover Defender 90 – but who am I to say that my fiancé shouldn’t be allowed to have her X3 because she wants something bigger and higher off the ground than her old shitbox Saturn? Should Steve be forced to give up the Tacoma because a VW Golf could do the job 75% as well with less weight? No, because big cars and trucks have their place, and that often includes the place in the front of the performance pack.
And I still want a Holy Hell the new F10 M5 is fast.
*Data on the M5 pulled from the video and FastestLaps
**Data on the Lotus Exige 260S pulled from Motor Trends’ First Drive
***One Texas summer with seat coolers and you will never want anything less