Category Archives: Industry Cranks

How to Survive…The Most Dangerous Game (Part 2)

Yesterday’s article was a pre-car shopping list of ways to prepare for battle. Today we’ll be talking about what you can do while you’re on site with the enemy to make sure you get the most for your money. If you didn’t read yesterday’s article go back and read it before you proceed; you’ll thank us later. If not, you might end up getting taken by one of  these\/ guys…

I’ll give you tree fitty….it’s a good deal…do it

How to Survive…The Most Dangerous Game (Part 1)

What is the most dangerous game? Richard Connell wrote a short story back in 1924 answering this question. In his fable, the main character, Sanger Rainsford, experiences what it’s like to make the transition from the hunter….to the hunted.

In this modern day and age, we rarely visit strange islands in search of big game. However, we DO every now and again find ourselves in a strange car dealership searching for our next vehicle. Although you were the one who initiated the hunt for your vehicle things may change rather quickly. Today Cars and Cranks is written to help you survive that which is the most dangerous game….Car Shopping. If you want to know how to prevent becoming the hunted; keep reading.

2nd most dangerous game…..dynamite grizzly bear tennis

Brand Stigmas

Branding is one of the most powerful forces at work in our market today. It controls our buying behaviors and loads our minds with all types of ideas about a product. This causes our minds to  attempt to solve an incomplete equation.  This is called forming an inference. We do it when we don’t have all the letters shown to us but  the Wheel of Fortune host asks us to solve the puzzle anyway. Based on our current evidence we think ___________.

What does each of these symbols mean to YOU?

A History of Cars, Taxes, and Race Chickens

A recent news article came out that presented the position of a number of high ranking executives at GM: essentially, they were upset that the US Treasury wouldn’t sell their share of GM at a loss in order to remove themselves of the “Government Motors” stigma. Now, I personally would be more upset of the stigma that my company had gotten in the position it was in by shoving a shit product down the throats of US consumers and needed to go crawling on hand and knee to an organization that knows as much about cars as it does the Internet, but that is neither here nor there. They were also upset about the government restrictions on them using private jets, and I’ll just leave that there to stew and piss you off some more. Articles like the piece mentioned above are about to start coming fast and furious (you can laugh now) as the US elections approach. As one of the largest manufacturing industries in the US, it is without question that the current state of our automotive industry will be a constant topic of debate. The auto industry has become politicized: GM has closed plants down to stump speeches, anti bailout forces and those against “big government” are behind Ford for doing things the right way, and a government that owns near as makes no difference 30% of the General is constantly investigating its biggest competitor. Unfortunately, this is nothing new.

It sure was nice of them to circle the problem.

One ‘Ring to Rule Them All

Twelve point nine three miles long.  Seventy three official turns.  Estimates put the fatality rate at twelve to eighteen a year.  This massive stretch of asphalt that snakes through the Eifel Mountains in Germany is a Mecca to automotive enthusiasts; it is a proving ground that separates those who play with their cars, and those who drive them.  It is the track by which all others are judged, and on which all cars are judged good or bad.  Formula One drivers refused to race on the track.  There are no restrictions to driving it: show up, pay your due, get baptized in the fire.  Jackie Stewart called her The Green Hell.  We call it the Nordschliefe.  Everyone else calls it The Nurburgring.

She is a cold hearted thing...

When We Sell Our Dignity

The rumors of our demise were greatly exaggerated.  In other words, the break is over, time to get back to work.  Posting may still not be at the fast and furious (heh, car joke) level that it was, but things have changed a bit in the real world for my intrepid cowritter and me.  Fear not, valued reader: our posts shall still contain the same level of vitriolic hatred (or unabashed fanboism, either way) if not more!  After all, with more time between posting, why not make the posts better?  If not that, at least get a better content editor so we look less stupid.

But I digress.  Steve has returned from the top of a mountain and will most likely be sleeping for the next month so that leaves me sitting here with the keys to this whole affair.  This isn’t a horrible thing, because I still remember the password to our side of the website so I can still post, and post I shall!  Today’s topic?  Whores and escorts.*

Things you should know about gas mileage.

Fuel efficiency has been a hot topic lately. All of this hippy “green” talk and gas approaching $4 a gallon has people in an uproar. Everyone is looking to get the most out of every drop of fuel. But a lot of the fuel consumption stuff can be fairly confusing to the average person. EPA….MPG….WTF?

If you’ve read any of my previous articles you’re probably aware that I view most people as legally retarded. Yes, that’s sort of like being legally blind. I’m not sure if the government has standards yet for such a thing. If they don’t, my thought is that they’ve put off this legislation because the majority of the public wouldn’t make the cut. But rather than bitch about it (like I normally would) today I’m going to teach. Hold on to your asses everyone.

No gas guzzler tax means you're not trying hard enough...

Modern Muscle Showdown: V vs SRT

As much as I may hate to admit it, we actually live in a pretty good time for performance cars.  Those boring beige jellybean shaped sedans can hit mid fourteens in the quarter, every performance car and its brother can hit the double century, and four hundred horsepower is considered acceptable.  Not only that, but performance cars are capable of hitting ludicrous speed and setting record lap times on race tracks the world round while being more reliable and easy to drive than ever.  You aren’t looking for that, though.  You are looking for something mean, with a big V8 in the front, power to the rear wheels, and an exhaust note that’ll scare little children and make the happy wombat unhappy.  You want a coupe, because sedans are too much of a compromise.  And you want this car to make a statement about you.  You want the world to know you love going fast, and those piddly little high strung four bangers are for children.  America is about hot, wet, nasty speed, and these two big coupes are all about America.

The 2011 SRT8 in its natural environment...

Holy Hell, the New F10 M5 is Fast

Holy hell, the new F10 M5 is fast.  It is fast enough that that is what I’m calling it from now on.  No really.  If you come up to me and say, “Hey, Robert, other than the M3, what BMW would you really like?”, my response is going to be “I’d like one of those Holy Hell the new F10 M5 is Fasts.”  You don’t have to take my word for it (although you should), you just need to watch this video, and then click more to read about some of the amazing things that the Holy Hell the new F10 M5 is fast can do.


Fat Cars: It’s our fault

You’re fat. I mean seriously, you’ve really let yourself go over the years. Bigger in every measureable dimension and growing year after year. Your Mama says you’re big boned…I call bull shit. Oh excuse me, I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your car.

And guess whose fault it is? YOURS! (Now I’m talking to you)

No's not the dress